Real Talk, The 'Aha Moment'
There was no Aha moment. There was no big explosion of climactic clarity followed by ease. I had to take some time to sit with these words, and in many instances find the right ones. In the past week I have had to justify my actions many times—it was almost as if I was being tested. Sometimes it felt like I was searching for letters to put together words I have said many times before.
Have you ever thought about having a knot in your tongue? That is what these conversations felt like. This blog post is more like a page out of my diary then words on a webpage. Sharing my heart, baring my soul.
Recommitting to yourself is a difficult thing to explain. It can happen many times or just once. Depending on how involved you are in a persons life, or what mood you are catching them in—it can all appear differently. Maybe some of the changes I made or the words that I said looked like an Aha moment--and in many ways it was. However, in a lot of ways this is something I dreamed of implementing since I stood with all my hard work at my senior show in 2017. That was the moment when it felt the most real.
I have been watching influencers like Fully Raw Kristina closely since 2013. She was the reason I made such huge lifestyle changes. She inspired me a lot and I have really watched everything she does--literally all of her videos--closely since then. I started my platform on instagram in 2015 and began sharing my personal journey...alongside my studies in Product Design…which all closely connected to mindful and ethical living.
My entire senior thesis, and all the projects I stood with proudly, encompassed this and I started to pivot towards building a brand/brand development. So many people told me it wasn't possible. No one thought I could come out of college and have a successful business around a personal brand. I was cradled with ‘supportive words’ from friends, peers, family and mentors that were really backhanded compliments masked to feel like love. I was encouraged, heavily, to get a 9-5 job, to hustle with work and have the side hustle on the side. It was all about the ‘rise and grind’ Working a regular work week, making an income that could sustain me so I could pursue my dreams part time.
I refused.
I knew I could make it.
I knew I could do it--it just needed to be done on my terms.
My life, my terms.
I took a business class at Loyola Marymount University and launched my kickstarter to see if a cookbook was an option. Thats when I came across Gaz Oakley and immediately I knew, I wanted to be different. I wanted to be in the first vegan chef on Food Network and I wanted to be published. He inspired me deeply. I connected to several publishing houses, got shut down over and over again.
That was when I not only reached my goal on kickstarter, but exceeded it. I spent all the money to publish independently and invest in a camera. I got taken advantage of, twice. Wasn’t taken seriously and took a huge hit to my ego and ended up with self publishing with amazon. I pushed forward, I trusted, I was determined.
I graduated college with stars in my eyes. Determined to pave a path towards something that made me feel good, while serving others in a positive light. I put it all on the line and learned fast and hard that its going to take a lot of time to make this happen for me. All while witnessing many others blow up overnight, it was god damn humbling.
I asked myself why and I blamed myself.
I blamed the learning disability that everyone told me I had—my identity up until 2019.
I blamed my knowledge and told myself I was stupid.
I got angry when I couldn’t do more and more and more and balance a million projects and jobs and social media and my books.
I told myself I wasn’t good enough, compared, compared, compared.
I thought about letting it all go.
The water was deep and I was drowning. I navigated the channels of my mind and my emotions alone.
I worked alone.
I created alone.
I wore all the hats and balanced all the projects--and it got me far, but could only get me so far.
I kept it to myself, led the people around me and online to believe I was more successful then I was.
(And I have been successful, in many ways, I am not discrediting myself or the work I have done by any means)
But I hit a wall. When I tell it now it seems like the ‘Aha moment.’ In actuality it was me reflecting back on the last year and regretting. Noticing where I went wrong and seeing all the dead ends.
I gave up.
And I allowed myself to get lost in the worlds of others. I stepped into something I never intended on doing, teaching yoga, something that was medicine for me. Turned it into work and I used it as a crutch, to pull myself away from all the other work I had done that I know felt bombarded by. I faded back into the shadows of my mind, I told myself it was okay because I was just ‘healing and working through trauma’ and I allowed the wrong people to guide me the wrong way.
The current around me got stronger and I let the water take me.
I stopped pursuing the art, the creation, the food, the videos, the design, the personal brand.
I was scared.
I hustled and put all my energy into something else, being a great yoga teacher, and it was simply a mask.
I was self medicating with spirituality. Burying myself in new work to avoid responsibility I could no longer carry. I used the excuse that it would make me money ‘right now’ to validate my decisions.
I feared that the new faces, people I saw in the real world—*that seemed so enlightened*—would see my human, judge me and walk away. I didn't want anyone to see me. So I put up walls and shared less. In a lot of ways it felt like everybody wanted something from me now and I didn’t want to let them down. 6 months went by and I kept saying it all connects--I am here (teaching) for a reason. I am building an in person network and still working on the personal brand. (I wasn't) and this is apart of my process. (a cop out)
I was lost, depressed, kept having my heart broken by people who were just as lost as me, if not more. I put people on pedestals, stopped trusting my own feelings and intuition I stopped trying. My routine became pain. I got accustomed to feeling unfulfilled and lost. I lost all drive and discipline to pursue anything outside of allowing myself to feel soft. I kept choosing ‘easy money’ over hustle. Constantly covering classes, looking to take on more, driving further and further to teach.
That ‘Aha moment’ was me witnessing and acknowledging all the opportunity that has come out of the last year. In many ways I felt bound. Like someone was strangling me, and keeping my eyes closed at the same time. That someone was me. Your physical body only knows what your mind tells it. I told myself I was bound and gagged—in reality I was scared and physically suffering from all the fear I was building inside of me.
I have listened to A LOT of people along the way.
I have also heard a lot of bullshit.
I have encountered many people who see a lot of potential in what I do, started working with me and then slowly faded away—leaving me with incomplete dead ends.
I might not be moving at the same pace, as someone else—and maybe that is hard to see if you are just witnessing my journey through an app on your phone and I am so beyond okay with that.
I work hard everyday to balance. To see that I can make money from teaching, and it IS valid and serves in many positive ways—and someday YES it will most certainly connect—but right now I need to honor my threshold. I gave up one class and I free’d up an entire day to devote to my personal brand. I have spoken to my boss about where my head is at and spoke my truth with other people I have invited into my work. I have let go of the mentality of doing it all myself and welcomed in the right people. I have developed boundaries, given myself space to breathe and seen what I need to let go.
I don’t care if it takes a month for 6 years. So long as I keep my personal peace, I want to finish with I started. This is me continuing/finishing what I started.
I don’t know what happens next. I can’t say tomorrow might be inspiring or feel heavy. I can’t promise anything but I can reflect and reassess and be patient.
I can share, and let people in and keep expanding my comfort zone.
I can make it.
I can do it.
My life, my terms.
Here is what is on my radar right now.
Fix some issues with my website, and work on my email marketing.
Get my blog going again
Start creating youtube content again
Continue to work on my 3rd book, the Italian Vegan Cookbook, which will come out in Sept 2020
Keep a work flow amongst my personal brand, my yoga schedule and mental health/healing time
Round out 2 open paid 'creative' projects I have right now for social media--keep them coming in
Follow up with a TV appearance opportunity (I will share more about this soon)
None of this is easy. I have so much respect for anyone who works hard—even without the side hustle. I think it is so brave to get up—even on the days when it hurts—and continue to step one foot in front of the other. I am by NO means perfect. I am not going to sit here and say I ‘make bank’ online and through social media. And if you are reading this and wondering if you can, just start.
Here is my advice to you…start.
Be genuine.
Post whatever the fuck you want.
Find balance within your life and your passion.
Be realistic, patient and kind to yourself.
Don’t look at someones step 1,000 and compare it to your step 1.
And if you are starting again? or starting over? You’re not. You are coming back stronger then before with a different vision, experience and new perspectives.
And if you read all of this, thank you. Thank you for everything
I put a lot of time into my content—in an effort to really share from my heart and ensure that I make everything I create the best that it can be. If you found this content useful and care to support me further, you can donate to me through here!.